8 Elements That Make a Relationship Last

Everybody seems to want that old school love. Not the “grandpa had a second family on the other side of town” old school love — I’m talking about the love that artists like Tank and Musiq Souchild sing about. But if you’ve looked around the dating pool in the last decade, you’ve probably noticed that this kind of love is in high demand and in short supply. Whether you’re still looking for love in all the wrong places or you’ve found the one for you, if you want the relationship to go the distance, these eight elements need to be central to your bond.

8. Clear Rules of Engagement

This one may seem obvious, but expecting that your partner instinctually sees the world the same way you do is a fast track to disaster. Do you both have the same definition of cheating? How late is too late to be out with friends? Is giving heart emojis to social media pics a problem? When you really explore the playing field, you may be surprised to find that you and your partner have different views on some things — and that’s ok. Identifying these conflict zones early makes them easier to address and avoid. Define the things that are important to both of you in a relationship in order to maintain respect and ensure that both of you are engaging in the relationship under the same rules and expectations.

7. Keep it Realistic

It’s easy to imagine the perfect happily ever after at the start of a relationship, but if you want yours to go the distance after the honeymoon phase then it’s important to curb your enthusiasm a bit and understand that the journey won’t be picture perfect all the time. Both - or all - of you will have bad days. Depression may strike somewhere down the road, or worse. It’s up to you to understand that those negative times will happen and that together, yall are bigger than any issue.

6. Open, Honest Communication

It’s good to know how to pick and choose your battles in any relationship, but you can’t keep quiet about everything. Keep it real about the problematic behaviors you come across. Maybe you don’t like the way they speak to waitstaff at restaurants, or their lack of appreciation for things you do makes you feel taken advantage of — speak on it. Communication is the key to conflict resolution and can help strengthen the relationship. With that in mind, it’s important to be willing to receive the same level of communication openly, without being defensive.

5. Personal Space

It’s easy to want to spend every waking moment with your partner, but time apart is critical for any healthy relationship. The old saying, “absence makes the heart grow fonder,” has some truth to it. Give each other space to enjoy life and maintain self-identity just as much as you would give them space to work on personal issues when needed. It may seem counterintuitive, but this space can often bring the two of you closer.

4. Mutual Respect

This should go without saying, but you should have respect for each other. That doesn’t just mean being polite to each other — respect, to me, means living up to the expectations and obligations of our relationship and treating each other both as equals and someone worthy of appreciation. Don’t become a doormat in a relationship just because you love someone, and don’t abuse their love in a way that diminishes their happiness or self-worth. Mistakes will happen, but change is the best apology.

3. Accept Their Flaws

There are no perfect people, and once you get past the honeymoon phase of the relationship, you’re likely to start seeing little quirks that may make you second-guess your potential happily ever after. Don’t let these sway your love. Accept that these quirks are parts of what make them who they are, and who you fell for. Even if they put the toilet paper roll on the wrong way.

2. Compromise

Relationships are all about giving and receiving, in one way or another, and you can’t be a selfish lover and expect everyone to be happy. If one person is the only one making sacrifices and losing ground then something is bound to break. Someone once said, “It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along,” and they couldn’t be more right. Nobody can have it their way all the time, everytime. If you two want things to work, sacrifice and compromise will be a foundational piece of your relationship.

1. Trust

Trust should be the foundation of any healthy relationship. Regardless of how much physical chemistry you two have, if you can’t trust the other person it won’t last long. Lucky for everyone, trust can be built and strengthened over time and through work. It is important to remember that everybody’s human and we’re all flawed. Mistakes will be made — some bigger than others — but what’s important is knowing that the two of you can work through nearly anything together and come out stronger together on the other side.

Bonus: Forgiveness

I’ve said it multiple times already — mistakes will happen. Everybody is human and none of us are perfect. At some point, your partner will let you down, and fall short of your expectations. There are countless ways that a person can mess up in a relationship, and the severity of each is different for every person. But understanding that every person has the potential to do, be, and act better and grow from their shortcomings can be the base of forgiving them and giving them enough grace to change. Many mistakes in relationships are solvable with communication, but for the bigger issues that can’t be talked through or undone, grace has to play a part. Grace cannot be bought, earned, or taken. Grace must be given. This all goes both ways. If you want your relationship to work, you’ll have to learn to let things go and forgive without pining for revenge or retribution.