How 2 Texas Couples Navigate Interracial Relationships

With the topic of race being a necessary conversation in our nation, I sat down with two couples and an expert to learn how they discuss the topic of race and overcome the challenges that come with being in an interracial relationship. 

Kendra and Austen Kent 

These two love birds were brought together 11 years ago when they were introduced to one another by Kendra’s sister and her husband, who was a coworker of Austen’s. Kendra found herself immediately attracted to Austen’s ambition and the fact he had life goals. For Austen, he just knew Kendra was different. 

“Besides the physical, even though I wasn’t a spiritual person, in my spirit and my heart, I just knew she was the one,” he said. “To be honest, growing up I was kind of isolated. I actually ended up being kind of racist growing up because of the people I was around, so for me, it was ‘when I go back home would people question why I was with her,’ but people ended up being pretty accepting of it” 

Kendra and Austen discussed the topic of race pretty early on in their relationship. They felt this topic was very important because discussing it openly would help them understand each other and in the present day, the couple are parents to three bi-racial kids of their own. Discussing race helps them teach their children about both sides of their culture and who they are.  

“I think we discussed the topic of race pretty much right away. Probably our first or second date,” Austen explained. “I mean it was the obvious, we might as well have talked about it. I am pretty sure we talked about it on our first or second date.”

“It is always important to talk about those things, so we can put ourselves in the other person’s shoes,” Kendra added. “And then with our kids, it is important that they see us have these conversations so they don’t shy away from these conversations with their friends and they know who they are.”

Halfway through their marriage, the couple had problems with members of Austen’s family. In the heat of these problems, a racial term was used and this caused Austen and Kendra to separate from the family for two years. 

“I just said how I feel and this is my family now and it is now time for me to step away from you guys because this is my wife and these are my kids and I don’t need to be around y’all and y’all can stay away from us,” said Austen.

“We overcame this by really just supporting each other and having each other’s backs regardless of what even our family thinks about each other,” said Kendra. “Just knowing we are each other’s teammates and regardless of what anybody else says, we’re on each other’s sides we have each other’s back is the biggest way I think we overcome a lot of stuff.”

With Austen being in the military when they got married, this allowed the Kent’s to be surrounded by a lot of different ethnicities from different parts of the world, where they received a lot of support as an interracial couple. 

“A lot of people that we are friends with are interracial couples or from different ethnicities,” said Austen. “Our closest friends are for most part biracial or different ethnicities, so we are always around a diverse group of people.”

“I think it is important weather you are in an interracial relationship or not to have diversity amongst your friends, so you don’t have outside influence to think otherwise about your partner,” said Kendra.

Scotty Yates and Britney Jones of San Antonio (Bumble Couple) – 3 years 

Britney, who is originally from North Carolina, relocated to Texas four years ago and met the love of her life, Scotty who is an East Texas native. This Bumble couple immediately swiped when they came across each other on the dating app. The two bonded over their love for wine upon their first date. 

“When we met, we just had an instant connection,” said Scotty. “From the very-very beginning.” 

An internal bias the two had in common when starting their relationship was the fear of not being accepted by one another’s families.  

“All of his friends married white women, so I questioned if I would fit in,” said Britney. 

Britney made sure to present herself in a very authentic way which, to her, meant that although the color of her skin was different and her hair texture was kinky, she was still going to be herself. Once Scotty’s friends and family got to know her for her personality, the fear of being accepted because of her race disappeared. 

“You know how people ask you those questions about, oh, ‘how did you get your hair like that’, they were never those types of people, “said Britney. “They never made it awkward like they were singling me out, they never did that. They were very welcoming,”.

“We figured out and found out that there aren’t that many differences between our families, when you put aside the race you find out that we are pretty similar,” said Scotty. 

In the beginning they didn’t discuss the topic of race in their relationships, but as racial issues started to form in society they started to talk about it more. 

“Just because it’s happening to a lot of my community, he wants to make sure I am okay,” said Britney. “And I want him to know I am here to answer any questions, because he is a football coach and he works with all kinds of students.” 

The pair also have an Instagram page called “pumpkinandpapa,”  dedicated to their journey as an interracial couple and to let people know that it’is okay to date outside of their race. Britney has received some push back in her dms from other Black people who think she should be with a Black man instead of Scotty. The messages come in the form of “Why are you dating outside of your race, we are going through hard times right now and you should be dating a Black man,” said Britney. “And I’m like really? You’re going to tell me who I should date? You don’t even know me!”

“I just wanted to be a positive light out there to share that it is okay for you to date outside of your race,” she added. “Especially if you have good intentions with that person, because at the end of the day we are all human and it doesn’t matter what color we are.”

They have even gotten dm’s from individuals who admitted to being afraid to date outside of their race, wanting to “learn how to,” date outside of their race. 

“It’s not something that you learn how to do, It is just something that organically happens,” said Britney. “My dad never taught me I needed to marry a Black man, he taught me to love everyone and to create relationships with everyone.”  

In addition to Britney and Scotty spreading the light of their relationship on their IG profile, they also use their page to shine light on racial injustices in our nation. Scotty, who is always down to protest with Britney, explained his experience with protesting as emotional and eye-opening. 

“During the protest, you can’t help but think of all the Black victims that were treated unjustly and how little progress has been made for equality,” he said. “As we marched, I tried to put myself in Britney’s shoes. I imagined the fear she must have just driving to work. The fear she has of being a Black woman in America. It’s frightening. No one should live their life in fear. I realized that’s how Britney and Black people feel every day. I pray that will change; We protested to help fight for that change. At the end, it was liberating to stand and kneel for justice. Not only for my girlfriend, but for our Black community.”

Advice from a Licensed professional counselor, Michael Cox.

Cox has more than 20 years of experience working with adolescents and their families, individuals, and couples. He recently celebrated 19 years with his wife, and they too are an interracial couple. Interracial couples make up about 40% of Cox’s clientele. Some common challenges these couples face are differences in cultural upbringing and proper communication. 

“[Race] definitely needs to be a priority; I don’t know if it needs to be a conversation around how are we different or where necessarily are these a bad thing, probably more is how or what do we uniquely contribute to this relationship and how does our culture play a role in that,” said Cox. “If you’re not talking about it, my questions usually raised are ‘why?’ ‘What’s the fear?’ ‘What’s the shame?’ ‘Why isn’t it there?’ I think couples should be talking about it and I think it should be contributing to who they are. And the third part of that, I will say, is because the two of them are coming together as one and if they go on to make children, technically they started another culture and so helping that child understand the uniqueness,” said Cox. 

When should interracial couples discuss the topic of race in their relationships:

Cox says the topic of race should not be a divisive conversation, but it should be one where it highlights each couple’s unique contribution to the relationship. 

“Race should be discussed pretty early on in an interracial relationship because your race is a part of who you are. Discussing who you are and what makes you who you are should be shared as you’re getting to know someone,” he explained. “The topic of race is not a one-time conversation because I think as you’re getting to know someone, you’re getting to understand who they are culturally,” said Cox. “To be inquisitive about your partner is part of getting to know someone and that happens as evolution as you develop a relationship. I think that it is an ongoing conversation,” 

The Coxs make it a priority to learn more about their cultures as well as one another’s because they have young biracial sons who need to understand where they come from. 

“I think back to when I met my wife, I didn’t engage with her because she was Hispanic or Latina. That wasn’t why I engaged with her,” said Cox. “Our story and what brought us together, I look back and see it was God’s doing and happening. I was drawn to the way she looked, of course, but our relationship was built over the phone.”

Some advice Cox and his wife Coloma received from their pastor’s wife when they moved to Austin seven years ago was that they should see themselves as “bridge builders,” bringing two worlds together.